2014 The year of Kim

When you turned your calendar from 2013 to 2014 did it say “2014: The year of Kim Shin Ok-soon”?  Mine did, I figured everyone else’s did too. Just kidding. 

I may have mentioned this in a previous blog post but I am making this year all about me. Mind, body, spirit. I went on a workout date the other day with Super Man, I could call him (SM) but then one might get confused with some “50 Shades of Grey” tag. Barf! Okay, I shouldn’t knock it if I haven’t read it but the fact that main stream latched on to it makes me not want to touch it. Anyway, Super Man and I went to a YMCA and worked out. Did I ever in my whole life think I would do something like that? Nope. Did I thoroughly enjoy it? Yup. We got there and went our separate ways, then met again in the hot tub to discuss where we were going to have dinner. I got on a treadmill and ran. It was liberating! I haven’t been on a treadmill in ages and my body reminded me of this the next day. But it felt so good that I am sampling the fitness facility next to my place. Thanks Super Man for dragging my ass to the Y and for the lovely dinner after. You kick started my journey into physical well being. 

I see this as a step in the right direction for me in my progression of the year of Kim. I started 2014  15 lbs down from the previous year. Now it is time to work on stamina (running) and flexibility (yoga). Amazingly enough, I’m loving working out. Who would have ever thought? Me? To my children, if you are reading this, do not fall off your chair laughing. That is one fall that I will not pick you up from. ;-p

The Mediation training went well. I made some interesting connections and learned a lot about myself, which I will share later. Some of my deep, emotional wounds are starting to heal and the big picture of what my life will look like in 5 years is becoming more and more clear each day. I can finally say that I am feeling comfortable in my own skin and that I can look in the mirror and smile at the image looking back at me. 

 

The Blame Game

 

I tuned in to CNN yesterday morning to see what all of the hub bub was about regarding “Atlanta’s ‘zombie apocalypse'”. I was horrified at the pictures and stories that were coming out of the southern region. Being stuck in a car with a stranger, for hours, and having to pee. Seriously folks, I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for those experiencing it. We can poke fun all we want but at the end of the day, children were stranded at school over night, children were stuck on buses for long periods of time (some of them probably had to pee too), families and friends worried about their loved ones and the sheer panic of the situation isn’t anything to joke about. 

However, I wanted to reach through my television and slap the reporters who kept asking officials “Who do you blame?”, “Who’s responsible for this situation?”. Over and over again, the reporter kept asking this question. Why does our society feel the need to place blame when things don’t go our way? Heaven forbid we take responsibility for our own actions every now and again. Why not just work on focusing how to work together to get through the situation, then analyze how we can prepare to do it better the next time or prevent the situation from happening again. The world is not a perfect place filled with saints. Although there were many situations where strangers assisted strangers. Kudos to all of them who rose to the occasion. 

Where was I going with this?  This blaming stuck with me through the night and apparently, I am still stuck on it this morning. I think it has to do with a bigger picture for me. Not just the “blame game” in Atlanta. I just completed my Family Bridge Mediation training so marriage dissolution and the disintegration of families is fresh on my mind. So often when a marriage dissolves, our defense mechanism is to blame the other because we don’t want to see any fault in our own actions. We don’t want to look at our own weaknesses and feel that we failed in some way. The truth is both parties failed in one way or another.  So what?  Do we dwell on blaming each other and pointing the finger or do you accept the situation that is now, most likely, beyond your control and move on doing what is best for everyone involved? 

Throughout the course of my life, I have felt like everything bad that happened was my fault. I took the blame for everything, even if it wasn’t. It was a learned behavior that I am just now getting passed. I will take responsibility for my own actions, that is all I can do. I try not to blame others or project my failures onto them just so that I can feel better. 

The point I am trying to make, in my very roundabout way, is that sometimes shit happens that is beyond anyone’s control. A series of mishaps that lead to a ‘zombie apocalypse’. We don’t need to blame anyone, just help each other get through it and be responsible for our own actions. Hopefully, we will learn from our mishaps and move on to be wiser individuals. 

 

The “Margaret Cho Incident” and other weird stuff

Recently I was at the Mall of America with a friend. We enjoyed a nice dinner and drinks…”Sweet Heat” at Crave, a sweet, yet spicy martini with jalapeno in it. Yummy! Anyway, we went venturing around the mall and ended up trying sunglasses on. I must preface this by saying that no one else was in the store at the time of “the incident”. I told the salesman that I was looking for some glasses that would fit my round face and that I had no bridge to my nose to speak of. He said “Oh my God, you remind me of Margaret Cho!” Remember, my cheeks were glowing from what has been termed “the Asian Flush” from drinking and I was slightly under the influence. My knee jerk reaction, aka my Whoopie Goldberg moment…”Fuck You”  Ooops, fortunately the salesman laughed with me. Did I mention that I was on a date? The conversation just kept rolling and the salesman came up to me and said that he meant it as a compliment. I patted his arm , smiled and said “Thank you”  After our interaction, he told us that we were a lot of fun. Later my date said “Really? Margaret Cho.”  She has never been a Korean that I admired, just personal opinion, so I was bit insulted and figured she is the most prominent Asian figure that he knew. Such is life.

Which brings me to another time I was at MOA. I went into a coffee shop and one of the staff said, “Oh, you’re the lady that keeps asking me for such and such coffee.” My response, “You are mistaken, we don’t all look alike.” She told me that my comment was mean. What? Really? The cashier was of Asian descent and he looked at me and laughed, we exchanged that knowing look of WTF? He thought it was funny.

Then there was this time that a man was at the clothing store where I worked. We had been watching he and his girlfriend closely as he kept taking clothes to the dressing room for his girlfriend to try on but nothing ever came out. He pulled me aside in the dressing room area and said “I don’t know if this is good customer service or you are racially profiling me.” I assured him that it was just good customer service, it’s what I do. He then said, “You don’t have to be like that because of the color of my skin (he was still on the defensive)” My response, “Sir, did you look at the color of my skin?”  He had no response, just a blank stare. Sorry pal, you pulled that line on the wrong person. I then proceeded to let him know that I knew what discrimination and being stereotyped felt like. It smoothed the waters a bit. When he went to check out, I happened to be at the register. Guess what? His card declined. Karma can be a bitch sometimes. As he left, without their items, I heard him tell his girlfriend that he felt bad as he had given me a hard time.  They later came back and completed their purchase. All was well.

Sometimes people say the funniest shit,me included, without thinking. We can be in our own heads at times and not even think about who our audience is.

Still laughing and smiling, as always.

 

 

 

Let’s try this again

So I ask  myself, how many times can I start a blog? I considered starting all over as a new beginning is just around the corner. Then I realized, I would not be the person that I am if I had not experienced all the events that have occurred prior to this day. I also find myself referring back to those experiences and relive the lessons learned there. I am not the best writer for punctuation, proper use of the English language etc. I am a storyteller. I write what I am thinking, my fingers flow over the keyboard as if I am playing Mozart or Haydn, the words come and the fingers play. I miss my piano. I miss being able to sit down and just play, releasing the stress of the day or calming myself by throwing the emotions into creating music. You could say I was releasing the dynamics of the day. This spring I will be moving my baby grand to my house and I can’t wait. 

I am excited to be blogging again. I don’t really care who reads or follows. It is a place for me to share my thoughts of the day and if one person smiles, laughs, cries or feels something due to the words I put on this page, then it was all worth it. 

 

This is me. I am getting a do over and I am now in control of my life. I am confident with who I am, feeling strength in my independence, balanced and ready to make an impact on the world, one person at a time. The question is…Is the world ready for me? 

 

Y2K: Part Two

It is my intention to try and write everyday but apparently it doesn’t seem to happen. Such is life.

During my first internet research, I met a couple of people online at Holt’s Guestbook. One of those people was Moses who would lead me to Korea and down the path of discovery. Another individual also became a travelmate. I’ll call him Macc. We started exchanging emails back and forth, excited to share our experiences. During our exchanges, I told him about the trip that we were going on. Macc would be the youngest by 14 or so years. He wasn’t really interested in meeting his birth family, he was more interested in going to Korea with a group of his peers but he was okay with the stipulation that he had to want to search. Out of all of our profiles, he was one of the individuals chosen to be on the KBS television show Achim Madang. I think it had to do a lot with his age and the details of his story. Anyway, I helped him get his information to KSS and let them know that we were going to be visiting and that he would like to see his file. We were set to meet with KSS one of the first days we arrived. The theory was that if he found something, that we would have time to sort it all out.

Parts of this are hard to remember because it was so long ago but I think that a social worker sat down with us originally. Then at one point, the President or Head of KSS met with Macc. There were two babies in the hospital at the same time. One was very sick (and eventually died) and the other was going to the United States. Apparently, the files got changed or mixed up. Macc was sent to the US with the deceased child’s file. He was adopted as one child and was actually someone else. Once Macc had contacted KSS with his file number, they must have discovered the mistake. The Head of KSS showed him his correct file. The first thing that was incorrect was his birthdate. He has been celebrating his birthday in October when really he was born in April. He was 6 months older than he thought. I still tease him about that. But he continues to celebrate his October birthday. His father had been the one to leave the children at the orphanage. He took pictures with them and left the family registry in his folder in case they came back. Macc did not know that he had siblings until this point. He had an older sister who was 7, I think , and an older brother who was 5. The agency said that they would try and locate them. They had been adopted to European countries and not together. He has since been in touch with them.

The story goes that Macc’s father was a taxi driver who had an accident and could no longer work. His mother had left them at some point. Macc’s father was not able to feed the children and I guess felt as though he had no other option. Again, he left all of the information in the file in case they came back.

So Macc learns all of this information and the agency says that they will try to contact his father and that they would contact Macc. They had a smoke on the steps of KSS and gave him some parting gifts.

On the ride back to the hotel, we were taking it all in and trying to figure it all out. By the time we got back to the hotel, the agency had already called to say they had found his birth father and that he would like to meet him. This was one of our first days in Korea and we already had a successful search.

Unfortunately, I was not able to go with Macc when he went to KSS to meet his birth father because I had been given the opportunity to be on Achim Madang in his place. He did not want to broadcast his story on the TV because he had found his family already. My appearance on Achim Madang will be posted later.

If you could see the picture of Macc and his father, there would be no doubt that they are indeed father and son. Only he can describe the feeling that he had when he met his birth father for the first time. I can only imagine. I was living it all vicariously through him. He was gracious enough to invite me to the next meeting with his family at their apartment. At this point, I am going to have to stop writing because it’s really emotional for me. The memories and intense emotions are coming back. The pain, grief and loss still simmer underneath the happy, balanced exterior and it’s times like these that I need to let myself feel.

Y2K: Part One

Who would have thought that my dad being a former professional football player would put me in contact with the Korean version of Moses who would lead me and others back to Korea? As I began to search for my Korean past, I started at the Holt website and they had a guest book/message board. I read some of the notes and that would lead me to an adoptee who was much further into his Korean journey than myself. He had been involved with Holt and Korean culture camps etc. I sent him a message saying that I noticed he was a football fan and shared with him who my dad was. We started a dialogue and he told me that I should go to the First International Gathering of Korea Adoptees in DC, 1999. I had younger children at the time and had never traveled on my own but I was intrigued by it. I was going through a lot of emotional things at the time and thinking about going to Korea to birth search. My friend told me that he was planning a trip to Korea for 2000 and that he would be looking for individuals to travel with him at the Gathering. I mentioned it to an adoptee friend of mine with whom I had just been reunited with after 20 years and to another individual that I met through the Holt message board. The Gathering came and went and he had connected with others there. Our trip was in the planning stages and there would be 8 of us. Since we were not all from the same state, we decided that Chicago would be a good place to meet before the trip. This would be January of 2000. Adoptees from the Gathering in DC had found out that a small group of us were getting together that the group became about 30 or so. The power of the people. It would be known as the first mini-gathering.

In March of 2000, we flew to LAX from Nebraska, Illinois, California, Washington, North Carolina, Michigan and Minnesota. This would be the journey of a life time filled with ups and downs.

The uniqueness of this trip was that we did this all on our own. We made all of the contacts, reservations, etc on our own with no help from any agencies or touring groups. We were not a group of young adoptees going back with family or agency sponsored tours, we were a group of adult adoptees, on a mission to find birth family. Prior to our trip, Moses set up a website where our pictures as babies and adults were posted along with any identifying information that we had. Where we were left, the agencies, anything that we knew and then there was contact information. It’s been a while, but I think that there wer some hits off of this. We did so much promotion that it’s kind of fuzzy in my advanced age. We were also in the newspaper there, some of us were on TV, some of us had Korean TV reporters doing stories and some of us had American media traveling with us.

I could write forever about this trip because there are so many things to share but for this evening, I will leave it at this.

Out of 8 of us there were 2 reunions, 2 “you might be family” connections and 4 of us who would realize that there probably wasn’t anything out there for us. Check back to hear about the reunions and how I got into it with the President at Eastern Social Welfare, thank goodness that the cameras didn’t see that.

 

Former inlaws after the divorce

Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced. Marriage is forever. Vows are sacred, it’s not something that people of our faith do. Guess what? Never say never. After almost 20 years of marriage I found myself going through a divorce. When the decision was made, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was going to be an amicable split, we were both in agreement that it would be the best thing. Unfortunately collateral damage can’t be avoided. Tonight that collateral damage is my former inlaws. They are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary with a big party, relatives from out of town, friends from over the years, grandchildren, big backyard party etc. The rumor has it that they wanted to invite me, after all I had been a part of their lives for almost 22 years, but since the party was being hosted at my ex-husband’s house with his new wife, they figured that it would probably be best that I not be invited.  I agree, I would seriously be tempted to take things off the wall that I felt belonged to me.  I say that in a joking way but there is still some of that regret that I didn’t take what I rightfully deserved. I may delve into that at a later time.

If it were at the ex inlaws house or anyone else’s and I was invited, I probably would have gone because it’s about them and my relationship with them. They are kind people and I miss all of them. I miss the neices and nephews. I miss being the silly one at girls weekend. It is not their fault that our marriage fell apart. Because he started dating soon after the separation and married shortly  after the divorce was final, I was and still am, confused to where I fit in anymore. We run into each other at sporting events on occassion or a graduation party but nothing other than passing. It’s so hard to know. I just know that tonight, I miss being at the party, catching up with the relatives from out of town, being with my children. It’s rather sad.

Sometimes my children will say “Grandpa was asking how you are doing, you should call him, he really misses you.”  So I did and he helped me fix my car. We had a good talk and he told me how the grandkids were doing. But he said what I think I needed to hear. I don’t like what happen, I don’t agree with it, but you have to make the best of it and move on. A parent should support their children, even if they don’t agree with their decisions all of the time. It made me feel better to know that he wasn’t okay with how things went down and that he still loves me as a person. He’s a righteous dude. And when I look at it, my parents wanted to respect me and they declined the invitation, at least last I heard they weren’t going.

Oh well, I will hear about it from my children and I will send them a card of congratulations, since their wedding anniversary really isn’t until this fall. Maybe I’ll even go have coffee with them to hear about the party and all of the crazy stories. I know that is probably the most thoughtful “gift” I could give.

It’s okay to be blah on occassion

Feb 2, 2011

I pulled the, “Don’t mind me, I’m a zombie” this evening. Even though I have several things stirring in the pot, I just feel blah. Maybe it’s the cold and winter, maybe it’s my inability to focus and maybe it’s just that special “damn it sucks to be a woman” time. In any case, tomorrow is another day and it WILL be better because I will make it that way. It’s funny because I know how to make it better but damn it, sometimes I’m allowed to have a blah day every once in a while. A day where someone says, “Hey Kim, what can I do for you today?” The owner of the company I consult for did buy the office coffee today, so that’s a bonus but it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it usually is, even if I didn’t have to pay for it. Which is a sign that the balance is tilted.

I did read from “True Happiness: Here and Now” which is a collection of Dharma Message by Ven Pomnyun Sunim. I rec’d it as a gift from what I consider, the closest person to Korean family that I will ever have. I love getting surprise packages from Korea.  It said to keep practicing accepting the things the way they are. Which is good advice for me on a day like today. So I feel like crap, I accept that 🙂  The meaning was supposed to be much more in depth than that but it’s my prerogative to interpret it how I want to at the moment. I should probably pick up my Tao book and read some affirmation statements. The kind where you look in the mirror and say “I am a good person, I am one with the earth, I accept who I am as an individual” Okay, it made me laugh just thinking about how the simple things in life make me happy.

I’ve decided that I will make a list of 5 things that I would like to accomplish tomorrow, even if one of them is get out of bed with a smile on my face. If my lists is filled with things like that, maybe it needs to be 10 things. I’ve never been a list maker because it’s always had a negative connotation for me but I have realized, in my advanced years, that lists aren’t so bad, if I’m the one making them for myself and it isn’t a duty that I perform for someone else. Sometimes I need to take care of me for a change and tell everyone else around me to %$@# off because I need to be one with myself before I can be anything to anyone else.

Life is good, even if my body is telling me different. Mind over matter.

I will leave you with words from Ven Pomnyun Sunim

I will have less, love more

Understand further and

Vow to be the Bodhisattva that

Hears the voices of the world

I am happy now,

Wishing you the same happiness

Pyunghwa (Peace in Korean)

The Tree of Life

Jun 8, 2010

The Tree of Life….

I find great comfort in the woods behind my condominium. As I look at the mature trees, I often find myself thinking about the parts of the trees and relate them to my life; my family; my journey. My roots began somwhere in South Korea but as a young seedling, I was transplanted to a small town in the midwest. The roots are my parents; biological; adoptive; step. I am the trunk and the many limbs that stem from that trunk represent different aspects of my life.….

• Adoption….

• Child abuse/neglect….

• Surviving parental suicide….

• Sibling Rivalry….

• Being a mother….

• Daycare/Pre-school….

• Journey back to my Motherland of Korea….

• Searching for birth family….

• Marriage….

• Divorce….

• Parenting through Divorce….

• Tales of employment/unemployment….

• Careers….

• Music and the impact it has had on my life….

• Relationships….

• Aging….

The list could go on and on and on. As I study the trees, I often notice that some limbs die. They don’t break off, just die. Then a storm or other act of nature comes and severs the limb from the tree. I relate that to relationships. The limb that represented my marriage was one of those limbs. It slowly died over time. Spring came and no buds formed there because it wasn’t receiving the nutrients or nurturing that it needed. The limb still clings to the trunk and maybe someday will eventually fall off. ….

I could think about these trees and their patterns all day. I often think of what story the tree represents or I see people I know in the trunks and limbs of the trees. ….

Someone asked me the other day what inspires me to write. The trees in my backyard have inspired me to look at the big picture of life. ….

Is there peace in the darkness?

Feb 24, 2010

Current mood:nostalgic

Lately I feel as though I am slowly sinking into a pool of darkness. Sometimes I feel like fighting my way to the surface to grasp that breathe of life and other times I just want the water to flow over me; sink to the bottom and rest, maybe there is peace there at the bottom, in the dark.

When I feel like this, full of self doubt and suckiness, I read “The Tao of Inner Peace”. I usually find something in it that feeds my soul and makes me smile; the world seems at peace again. I read the affirmations at the end of the chapters

“I now know my life is peaceful and harmonious.

I’m aware of the patterns within and around me.

I balance the yin and yang in my life.

I respect myself and the process

I harmonize with nature and all others in my world.

I accept greater peace in my life now.

And so it is.”

My life is anything but peaceful and harmonious, yet I know that I am the only one who can make it that way. I am aware of the patterns within me and around me, but they aren’t good patterns, picture a miserable plaid mixed with polka dots. I seek to balance the yin and yang in my life. The key is that I don’t respect myself. It’s easier to think about everyone else around me than to stop and take a look at me. I am full of scars, hurt, wounded. Who wants to look at that? I find more satisfaction in helping others. It’s apparent that my life history has taught me that I will never be enough for anyone, someone, something better always comes along and I will be left to pick myself up again.  The biggest question for me lately has been, “Why can’t I ever be enough?” or maybe it should be “When will I ever be enough?”  I’m setting myself up to fail, yet the question remains the same.

I know all the right answers to these questions. If a friend were to come to me with the previous information, I would have good answers and counsel them through. I hate this feeling of self pity, self doubt, self loathing yet it continues to linger. I can fake it well and put a smile on my face and even convince myself that life is peaceful and harmonious. I can appear that I have it all together and damn it, some days I do! It doesn’t negate the fact that I’m feeling anxious inside waiting for the moment that it all falls apart.

People have told me that in my profile picture,  I have a warm smile yet others have commented on my pre-adoption baby picture that I look so sad. Both observations are right. When I’m on, I’m on and when I’m sad, lonely, confused,  you can see it in my eyes. It’s as if I’m a young child, seeking approval from the thing that I cannot do enough to please. The eyes are the window to the soul and damn if I know what my eyes say about me from day to day.

At the end of the day, or early morning, when I lay down to rest and find peace in the darkness, I always tell myself that when I wake it will be a new beginning, a fresh start. I can wash all my doubts away and proceed through the day with renewed confidence, if I so choose. I know that when I close my eyes and focus on truth, peace and calm will find me once again.

At the bottom it says “Tell us what you’re reading, viewing, or listening to.” The Tao of Inner Peace” is next to me, and the lyrics to “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper are running through my head. I see myself as a young teen playing it at the piano, singing it softly to myself reminding me to find my true colors through the darkness inside me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbZDjnWtK1A I like this version due to the simplicity and raw emotion displayed from the performance of the song.